March 5, 2002

March 5, 2002

Judge and Jury

Have you ever noticed how much time people spend recounting stories to each other in which they have been victimized by someone or there has been some kind of confrontation?

It has been my experience that female teenagers are the masters of this skill. For them, recounting with painful detail all of the events that led to some impasse is an artform, debating all of the nuances of every subtle glance, inflection and word chosen. But almost everyone I know does it from time to time. I can't count the number of times I have marveled at how willing two or more people can be to discuss the minutia of some long since past encounter. Read my last post* if you want to see an example of how much time we can spend recounting some event that went
"wrong" in our opinions.

I don't know what the cause is for other people doing this, but I am certain about why I do it. It seems that whenever I have a confrontation with another human being, I am forced to rationalize my own behavior if I am at all uncomfortable with the events that took place. It doesn't matter who is at fault, who is being selfish or aggressive or if there is some kind of dishonesty or manipulation involved...if there was something painful about the encounter I will relive it.

It seems that most of my "mentally re-living" past events usually involves me taking a stand. Every time I take a stand for myself and refuse to placate someone or submit, and they don't accept my stand, I end up feeling guilty. I assume that every discussion that ends in an unresolved argument or worse is my fault.

Just as it takes two to fight, it takes two to reconcile, but I usually have a hard time not feeling completely responsible and ashamed because i wasn't more understanding or more passive. I end up reliving the events over and over again. criticizing myself for my "all-too-human' responses and emotions.

I tell anyone who I think might be interested in listening my subjective version hoping that they will remove the guilt that my self-convictions create, but rarely do these third parties offer much consolation (which is probably why I just rant to my diary so that I won't bother any of my friends with this nonsense). The worse part is that if I do rationalize to myself that I had to act in my own best interest, I always am left with this feeling of being self-absorbed and arrogant, as if I think I am always right and everyone else is always wrong.

The funny thing is almost all of my confrontations are simply the result of miscommunication and difference of opinion or perspective. I guess wars are fought for the same reason, but America seems more certain about protecting its interests and standing up against its enemies (and anyone they decide to associate with its enemies) then I could ever be. I can't even figure out if I am entitled to being loved and appreciated for who I am. How un-American of me. I can't remember ever feeling entitled to being hostile but America and the majority of her flag waving citizens sure don't have a problem with it. Perhaps the problem is I am Swiss...wanting to remain neutral and be left alone. Maybe FD is right...maybe I am from another planet.

-dred

[*note from mr. wilson: previous post not included in this public archive to protect privacy of referenced individuals]