February 20, 2002

February 20, 2002

I Cannot Believe I Choose This Life Everyday

Its 1:10 in the morning and I am just finishing up here at my office and getting ready to head home. I took a break today to go out to dinner with TL, because I have really felt like I haven't been giving her enough time. The sad thing is that she wants even more of my time and I just don't really have any time to give.

How can I continue to give so much of myself to others when I know that I am not my own to give? I am giving them a shell that they animate with their own perceptions and beliefs. I am not a full person, yet. I am trying desperately to become a full person, but that is why I sometimes fear I am wasting time by giving so much of my time away. Except for my analysis sessions, I feel like I sacrifice the rest of my time to other people or causes. I sacrifice time to my fear of being uncomfortable or destitute by working, to my fear of losing friends who feel ignored, to my ego which pushes me to get in the gym and take care of my body, etc.

I wonder what I would do with my time if money were no object, if friends were going to love me (or not) unconditionally and there was nothing I could really do to intensify or nullify their feelings, if my ego finally took a rest and said that I am worthwhile and not a big fraud in everyway. What would I do then? Maybe I would listen to a lot of music and even try to make some. Maybe I would read more and write more. Most likely I would watch a lot of television and take really long hot showers. I'd probably ger my Onan on a lot too, LOL. But that is all a dream because as it stands right now I am far from learning how to live independent of economics, fickle friends, and my insecure little ego. Sooo, I guess I will continue to dole out my time to all the wrong stuff and wish for my time just for me.

If time is such a rare commodity for me, why am I even trying to keep this online journal? Whose benefit is this for anyway? Do I think that exploring my mind in a forum so public as the internet will somehow be more rewarding or liberating then doing it the way I have always done it (my old fasioned journals)? Probably not...even though there is something liberating about exposing ones' self. Do I think that the world will be impressed with me and my depth and validate me? Not really...I am not doing a very good job of being deep anyway.

I guess my hope (or fantasy) is that somehow I will connect with someone mentally or spiritually. Its my belief that much of human suffering or at least my suffering comes from aloneness and feeling disconnected from the rest of humankind. Spending far too much time in our own minds and the hells we create for ourselves in our own thoughts. The rich world of experience and life lies outside of us as much as inside and its my hope that this will help me step outside of myself...

good luck